Dear Oil-Covered Sea Otter,

Since taking a new position at work, I’ve found that I have less and less time for my family.  I can see that it’s starting to take it’s toll on both my husband and my children, who tell me that they miss my old job.  I want to spend more time with them, but I have a great opportunity with this new position.

Workaholic in Worchester

Dear Workaholic,

Before I got covered in oil, I was a hard worker too.  I would toil away, catching fish, escaping the jaws of sharks.  Life sucked.  But honestly, the oil was the best thing that ever happened to me.  Not only did I get to take a break from the daily struggle of existence, but I got OVER 900 FACEBOOK FRIENDS!!!  No shit.  There’s even buzz of a movie deal in the pipes.  Finally, I get recognition for the star that I am.  Sometimes you just have to say “fuck it”.  Don’t listen to the haters because they’ll always be telling you to do this or that.  I say, get oiled up and let the magic happen baby!

Dear Oil-Covered Sea Otter,

I’ve recently grown suspicious of my girfriend of two years.  She’s always going out with ‘friends’ and coming home at all hours of the night.  Not only that, but her phone keeps ringing at odd hours.  Do I let it go, or do I ask her about it?

Suspicious in Springfield.

Dude, you totally need to dump that ho!~  Look at me, broke, covered in oil, washed up on some beach in Santa Cruz.  Yet am I gonna take that shit from my bitch.  Fuck that bro!  I’m a star.  As soon as people laid eyes on my slick fur they were lining up for a taste.  You have to respect yourself first man.  Sure, I could’ve died from oil poisoning.  But now I’m swimming in it.  Literally dude!  You tell that girl of yours that you demand respect or else your furry ass is out of there.  Peace!

Dear Oil-Covered Sea Otter,

The current financial crisis has finally reached our town and we are struggling.  It’s a real struggle to pay off the house and the bills, not to mention put a decent meal on the table for our three boys.  By the end of the month, there isn’t even a penny spare to save.  I’m worried about the future and have started smoking meth to get by.  I know I’m a bad parent, but it’s the only thing that helps right now.

High in Hicksville

Dear High,

I’ll admit, when I got my first hit of oil it was a nice rush.  My life is all about salt water and fish, so you can imagine it felt pretty damn smooth to get some raw chemicals in me.  But seriously dude, are you really goin’ down that path.  If you are, then you gotta budget that shit right.  You can’t be poppin off to your dealer if it breaks the budget, you know what I mean.  Not only that, the oil was raw and had me feeling right sore, like I’m sure the meth does for you.  You gotta get some celeb status bro, get hooked up to the white shit.  All the rumors are true man, the drugs in rehab ARE THE REASON FOR GOING TO REHAB, you feel?  Make the stacks, sling that shit if you have to, but upgrade yo source.  Otter out!